So, it’s been 6 months and 3 days since my last post, and now I would like to make a comeback!
I apologize to all of you my loyal readers and soon-to-be loyal readers for my inactivity. As you all know I was quite busy preparing stuff for SBMPTN and UTUL and also doing last minute procrastinating, but now I’m free! For your information, thankfully I got accepted on International Relations Studies in UGM by SBMPTN. It was one of the happiest moment of my life, and I enjoyed every bit of the journey.
Yeah after talking relentlessly about post-high school dilemmas, now I can write about recent university student dilemmas. Being accepted on one of the best university in Indonesia really has its consequences. I admit, when I was a highschool student, I actually didn’t know anything specific about university life in general and studying International Relations in particular. I was simply clueless.
Since last month, I’ve been doing my work for PPSMB or orientation program for new students. Basically we have to answer some trivial stuff, with the addition of doing some paper with proper academic regulations. Also since the last 2 weeks, I have known some of the seniors in International Relations. From there I gained some important insights about what university life looks like, and I was quite worried about my ability to survive. Nevertheless, I’m quite enthusiastic.
I was simply amazed when I found myself here, among 120-ish students all over Indonesia with the same fondness in International Relations. For the last high school years, I’ve spent so many times reading books rather than discussing about International Relations subjects because there was simply no one I could discuss it with in-depth. But now it’s actually quite terrifying to see hundreds of colleagues -some with spectacular experience and achievement- are going to be the people I will be facing for the next 4 years.
For the past 12 years of education, I simply don’t prepare myself to compete with others other than my classmates. For the years I have developed my knowledge in International Relations, I also developed a false sense of expertise in International Relations. It was simply because I had no contender back there, it was like competing with no one and yet people congratulates you. There was no need to push yourself, and thus a sense of comfort develops and has been deeply rooted.
I realized that the sense of comfort made me afraid to lose. I can’t even put myself in a win or lose situation because of my deep rooted fear. But slowly and surely, I have realized that I was born to neither lose nor win. I can’t never tolerate myself if I lost on something that I thought I could won. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to win because my lack of skills and competence. I am simply just a mediocre, a truth I can’t simply bear.
But as of this day I have gained so many lessons thanks to orientation program of PPSMB. I have learned so many that I haven’t yet to learn. I have met many amazing people all around Indonesia, with their own story and ambitions. Slowly I gained consciousness on what I am lacking and missing. Hopefully there is still a chance for me to improve and develop. I am ready.
Warm regards, Lucke Haryo.