Dalam Mendung Ia Bergumam

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Foto disadur dari https://goo.gl/images/CjjXeV

Cerpen ini dibuat sebagai proyek kelas dalam rangka memenuhi tugas kelas Pengantar Studi Perdamaian.


Ia telah berdiri barang setengah jam, selalu di tempat yang sama, selalu mematung, mengadah, mengharap. Lelaki berwajah mendung adalah julukan orang-orang baginya. Penampilannya acak-acakan, mulai dari ujung kepala hingga ujung kaki. Orang yang tak familiar dengan kehadirannya pasti menganggap ia sebagai gelandangan, dan akan cenderung iba. Setidaknya itulah yang banyak orang rasakan ketika pertama kali melihatnya di tempat tersebut, namun seiring waktu kehadirannya menjadi suatu hal yang normal, dan orang cenderung melupakan hal yang normal.

“Sinta, ini aku,” lelaki itu bergumam pelan, bibirnya hampir tak bergerak.

“Mereka tidak pernah mengerti Sinta, dan sejatinya tidak akan pernah mengerti,” ujarnya ke arah kekosongan yang ia coba untuk bentuk menjadi keadaan.

“Setelah melakukan hal ini padamu, coba tebak siapa korban mereka berikutnya? Tentu aku, dan mereka yang bernasib sama denganku, mereka yang kehilangan orang orang macam kau Sinta.”

Ia menghela napas, ingin ia kosongkan sama sekali relung paru-parunya. Pikirannya berputar-putar mencoba untuk menggali memori yang masih tertanam dalam ingatannya. Usahanya tidak berhasil.

“Ini membunuhku perlahan Sinta, ketika waktu berkomplot dengan mereka yang membuatmu begini, memaksaku untuk kehilangan jejakmu di tempat terakhir aku dapat melihatmu, menyentuhmu, mencumbumu.”

“Kau selalu mengingatkanku, bahwa kau bergantung padaku, dan begitu pula aku sebaliknya. Namun dalam kondisi seperti ini, sejatinya hanya aku yang bergantung padamu. Kau sudah bebas, entah kau nikmati atau tidak. Sedangkan aku masih terkungkung dalam penjara kepahitan di sini.”

Ia berhenti sejenak, ia awasi sekelilingnya barangkali ada petugas yang hendak mengusirnya seperti dulu-dulu. Ketakutannya tak mendasar sebenarnya, ketika orang-orang di sekitarnya bahkan tidak menyadari keberadaannya.

“Lupakan dan maafkan,” ujarnya sambil tersenyum sinis.

“Itulah yang mereka teriakkan sekarang Sinta! Kalimat itu mereka gumpalkan sedemikan rupa dan mereka paksakannya masuk ke pikiranku! Dan apa yang mereka harapkan dari itu? Apakah aku serta merta akan mengunyahnya dan menelannya pelan pelan bak bayi yang disuapi? Tentulah kau tahu aku Sinta. Kepalaku dan kepalamu sekeras batu.”

Mendung akhirnya pecah, butiran-butiran air berjatuhan dari gumpalan kelabu di langit. Ia menangis.

“Kau tahu bagaimana awalnya mereka menanggapiku? Mereka tolak mentah-mentah ceritaku Sinta. Cerita tentang aku, kau, tempat ini, bahkan cerita tentang mereka sendiri! Buat mereka, aku hanyalah gelandangan yang meracau, tak jelas isi kepalanya, tak perlu dihiraukan.”

“Beruntung bagiku kala itu kau masih hidup dan jelas di ingatanku Sinta,” ia acak-acak rambutnya sendiri, kesal.

“Kebodohan mudah terulang Sinta. Biarpun mereka telah berganti rupa dan nama, pikir mereka tetap sama Sinta, tetap bodoh sebodoh-bodohnya. Apabila kuteriakkan namamu sepuluh kali ke mereka Sinta, mungkin akan mereka tenggelamkan dengan retorika bodohnya duapuluh kali. Memang susah Sinta, tapi selama ada kau, semua mudah bagiku. Selama ada kau Sinta.”

Hujan telah reda, namun masih menyisakan gumpalan kelabu di langit, barangkali memang ditakdirkan demikian.

“Rekonsiliasi kata mereka sekarang Sinta. Kau tahu apa maknanya bagi mereka? Lupakan dan maafkan. Siapa yang melupakan dan maafkan? Kita tentunya. Memaafkan segala kelakuan binatang mereka, memaafkan segala kebengisan mereka, dan melupakan orang-orang sepertimu Sinta. Mereka memaksaku untuk melupakanmu Sinta! Menghilangkanmu sekali dari dunia ini seakan tak cukup bagi mereka. Kau harus hilang tidak hanya dari pandanganku, bahkan dari relung pikirku sekalipun. Dan apa dalih yang mereka gunakan untuk itu? Untuk perdamaian, persatuan, kemajuan. Memuakkan bukan? Harga dirimu, dan juga ratusan bahkan ribuan orang sepertimu dicampakkan untuk tujuan yang benar-benar abstrak!”

Amarahnya memuncak. Ingin ia berteriak sekeras-kerasnya, untuk dirinya sendiri, untuk Sinta, untuk mereka yang tak mendengarkannya, untuk tempat ini yang menjadi saksi perjuangannya, untuk mendung abadi di wajahnya, untuk semua yang telah mengutuknya dan meratapinya.

Dalam hatinya ia sadar, apapun yang telah ia lakukan tak akan membawa Sinta kembali. Bahwa semua terkadang sia-sia, dan ia berjuang untuk nilai yang sama sekali tak berharga. Sinta tidak ada lagi dimanapun kecuali dalam pikirannya. Keberadaannya nihil, hilang tak berbekas dari muka bumi. Tidak ada goresan, sapuan, maupun coretan yang menandakan ia pernah ada berlarian diantara gubuk kumuh di pinggir kali, diantara gang-gang sempit nan jorok, diantara lapang ilalang tak terurus, tak ada. Hampir ia menjadi gila, atau jangan-jangan sudah sedari dulu tanpa ia sadari.

Ia sendiri perlu jujur terhadap dirinya, ia ingin ini selesai. Tidak ada yang lebih baik baginya selain mengingat Sinta dalam ketenangan yang selama ini terrenggut dari dirinya. Ia hanya ingin mereka yang tak mendengarkannya untuk mendengar, mereka yang tak mengertinya untuk mengerti, dan mereka yang tak peduli untuk peduli. Permintaan maaf, pengadilan, komisi kebenaran, reparasi, ataupun apapun bisa jadi adalah hal tak perlu baginya. Waktu tidak mengobati semuanya, bahkan waktu seakan-akan memperlebar luka yang sudah ada. Mendung di wajahnya, ditakdirkan untuk abadi.

Gonggongan anjing menyertai langkahnya pulang diantara keremangan lampu malam jalanan. Langkahnya goyah, pandangannya kabur. Berkali-kali ia terjatuh terantuk lubang di jalan yang tak lagi rata. Bertahun-tahun hidup dalam kegundahan telah membentuknya demikian. Dengan susah payah ia berpegangan diantara dinding-dinding gang sempit nan jorok, merangkak melewati lapang ilalang tak terurus, hingga menyeret tubuhnya melalui gubuk kumuh pinggir kali. Ia lunglai, nafasnya sesak, ia sekarat.

Esok pagi tubuhnya yang kaku ditemukan oleh para pemulung. Penampilannya masih sama dengan kemarin, acak-acakan dari ujung kepala hingga ujung kaki tak beda dengan mereka yang menemukan tubuhnya. Raut mendungnya masih terpatri dengan jelas dan beku di wajahnya. Lelaki ini telah mati, turut mati pula menyertainya cerita mengenai Sinta, kegundahannya, dan ketidakadilan yang ia alami selama ini. Ia tetap tak didengar, tak dimengerti, tak dipedulikan. Sinta tetap hilang, tak berwujud dan tak berbekas. Mendung tak memiliki kesempatan barang sekalipun untuk lenyap dari wajahnya.

Heello

So, it’s been 6 months and 3 days since my last post, and now I would like to make a comeback!

I apologize to all of you my loyal readers and soon-to-be loyal readers for my inactivity. As you all know I was quite busy preparing stuff for SBMPTN and UTUL and also doing last minute procrastinating, but now I’m free! For your information, thankfully I got accepted on International Relations Studies in UGM by SBMPTN. It was one of the happiest moment of my life, and I enjoyed every bit of the journey.

Yeah after talking relentlessly about post-high school dilemmas, now I can write about recent university student dilemmas. Being accepted on one of the best university in Indonesia really has its consequences. I admit, when I was a highschool student, I actually didn’t know anything specific about university life in general and studying International Relations in particular. I was simply clueless.

Since last month, I’ve been doing my work for PPSMB or orientation program for new students. Basically we have to answer some trivial stuff, with the addition of doing some paper with proper academic regulations. Also since the last 2 weeks, I have known some of the seniors in International Relations. From there I gained some important insights about what university life looks like, and I was quite worried about my ability to survive. Nevertheless, I’m quite enthusiastic.

I was simply amazed when I found myself here, among 120-ish students all over Indonesia with the same fondness in International Relations. For the last high school years, I’ve spent so many times reading books rather than discussing about International Relations subjects because there was simply no one I could discuss it with in-depth. But now it’s actually quite terrifying to see hundreds of colleagues -some with spectacular experience and achievement- are going to be the people I will be facing for the next 4 years.

For the past 12 years of education, I simply don’t prepare myself to compete with others other than my classmates. For the years I have developed my knowledge in International Relations, I also developed a false sense of expertise in International Relations. It was simply because I had no contender back there, it was like competing with no one and yet people congratulates you. There was no need to push yourself, and thus a sense of comfort develops and has been deeply rooted.

I realized that the sense of comfort made me afraid to lose. I can’t even put myself in a win or lose situation because of my deep rooted fear. But slowly and surely, I have realized that I was born to neither lose nor win. I can’t never tolerate myself if I lost on something that I thought I could won. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to win because my lack of skills and competence. I am simply just a mediocre, a truth I can’t simply bear.

But as of this day I have gained so many lessons thanks to orientation program of PPSMB. I have learned so many that I haven’t yet to learn. I have met many amazing people all around Indonesia, with their own story and ambitions. Slowly I gained consciousness on what I am lacking and missing. Hopefully there is still a chance for me to improve and develop. I am ready.

Warm regards, Lucke Haryo.

 

January

January

Phew, it’s February already. Time flies fast eh? It feels like holiday that I just had was yesterday! I don’t know whether I am the only one who feels this way or not. But this occurrence of mine should be caused by one thing. One thing that all of the high school third graders worry about, SBMPTN.

Like I wrote on my post before. I got the highest score on the first tryout held by KPMBB. Back then, I wasn’t sure if it was pure skill or pure luck. But turns out, it’s both. After that, I also attended the SIMAK UI tryout held by IMAWANGI. Surprisingly I came out as the highest scoring in SOSHUM type! And after SIMAK UI, I again attended the SBMPTN tryout held by KPMBS, and again I came out as the highest scoring in SOSHUM. And recently last Sunday, I attended SIMULTAN tryout held by KPMBY but the result hasn’t come out so far.

After those series of winning, especially three times in a row, one can can be extremely confident. And as always, I was. I admit that happens to me also. I was overjoyed and those winning streak improved my confidence that was high already. In fact, because my high level of confidence, I even shunned others. Others who were not so confident about their ability, and choose the safest way instead, by choosing the less favorite study programs and/or universities. I called them cowards.

Until last Sunday, I realized something.

Last Sunday tryout was very different because it applied the regulation of SBMPTN. Including its scheduling system and number of items, which is 90 for TKPA and 60 for TKD. And I could say it was pretty realistic compared to the earlier tryouts I attended. And after the tryout, it was a session of experiences sharing by the UGM students. And  from there I got a moment of clarity.

Before this, I had came across a lot of seniors who themselves weren’t so lucky in the SBMPTN. Their stories started the same. They were very confident, they aimed too high for their standards, and they failed and had to continue on another universities which they never thought before. But as usual, I refuse to believe and my conclusion was their efforts weren’t hard enough.

And last Sunday, a session of experience sharing by UGM students really enlighten me. Because they stressed the importance of understanding ability of self which I never done and importantly, putting aside any young idealism and high expectations. They said SBMPTN isn’t that easy. Even one of them admitted that his current study program wasn’t his original choice. His original choice was international relations. He said that choosing international relations is no joke, no joke at all.

I know that he was one of the best student in his school. He was from social class, smart, and prepared, yet he choose the safe way. Meanwhile, I’m from science class but I’m not the brightest in my class, and my level of preparedness is questionable yet I boast to everyone that I will pass through SBMPTN. And it seems like everyone believes in me. But it isn’t people beliefs that will get you through.

I admit. I still aim for international relations. My aim hasn’t changed even a bit. But last Sunday experience gave me some insights about my dream. That he path I choose to victory isn’t smooth at all. There lies all sorts of torment in various form. And for me, last Sunday experience was a huge game changing moment. Because it left a precious thoughts for me, that I should have fear. Fear of my inability to compete, fear of failure, and fear of my own confidence and idealist mind. But whatever lies ahead now or later, my goal is simple. Be prepared for everything. Train hard, fight easy.

Warm regards, Lucke Haryo.

 

10th January 2016

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Alhamdulilah.

So last Sunday was a very memorable day for me in this year of 2016. I unexpectedly got the highest score on SBMPTN Soshum Try Out held by KPMBB during Banyuwangi Education Festival. I really didn’t expect anything back then. I didn’t study harder, I didn’t set any goals, and in fact I didn’t even know there is a reward for highest score! But nevertheless, I won.

To me, I really delighted by my current achievement and I put a big hope to myself, that I can break through the barrier and prevail. Of course being an IPA kid fighting in the unfamiliar field is never been easy thing for me. So everyday, I have to remind myself that there’s lot of IPS kids who are smarter than you out there. They are prepared for this, and they have strong determination to win this fight. And by living in this constant fear, I successfully push myself to study little by little on last semester.

Fortunately in this 6th semester, I already have a plan to start learning SBMPTN intensely. I already bought a book about it, I read many tips and strategies for SBMPTN, and etc. To my surprise, I plan to start it this week onward and let me tell you, it started beautifully as I stated above.

In my current situation, by having the highest score on Try Out, I have to carry my own and also my friends expectations. This proves to be problematic for me, because usually I’m not good at improving my achievement let alone keeping it that way. And also, there will be another SBMPTN Try Out on 20th and 31st January. So this moment is actually challenging for me. There’s no other way other than study harder than ever. There’s a lot of thing for me to cope with. And I really hope I have the requirements to overcome it and prevail for once, twice, and also prevail in the real SBMPTN test. Amin.

Warm Regards, Lucke Haryo.

Overtime

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Overtime Bar on TF 2 HUD. Image taken from fortresstuck.tumblr.com

 

Back to the days when playing Team Fortress 2 was my hobby, I often heard the term “overtime” during a game, especially when the time is nearly up. From what I perceive, which may contains 50% to 100% level of wrong, overtime is a situation when the time runs out and you still in the game, waiting for the game to come to an end.

Basically that’s what I feel on this very last semester of high school. In this moment, every available time should be spent on studying, studying, and studying. This circumstances took away the fun side of high school I previously enjoy. Maybe I’m the only one who feel this way but I feel like I have already graduated from this high school for ages.

Every time I enter this school I feel like I come back as an alumni. All the juniors seem like a whole new generation, with very different mindset and approach to understand something. I have already lost if not some, most of the bonding and memories of nearly most of the teachers. And I also view all my friends differently. It’s like they have been gone somewhere and now they are back with such a different character than before, and it requires me to do some sort of adjustment to hang out with them once more.

I know maybe I exaggerate a little bit or a lot depending on your perception but I tell the truth. After all, maybe that’s the side effect of being a soon-to be-graduates.

And now my school scheduled the first try out for Ujian Nasional on Wednesday and I’m very sure other try outs will follow soon and I believe this semester will be filled with great amount of try outs. To me it is a subtle reminder that my time is up yet I’m still in the game and I have to finish this game with such awesome moves. Yes, this is a real life overtime, some last page of my journey of 12 years education. And I really hope at the time I finish my overtime, I’m ready to start a new game on my desired path.

Warm Regards, Lucke Haryo

Surabaya

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Landmarks of Surabaya, image taken from wikipedia page of Surabaya

Yes this metropolis in East Java is so remarkable for me that I decided to write about it. Surabaya has been a second hometown for me after Banyuwangi of course. Usually I go here on holiday. Other than holiday, I rarely go here.

Now during holiday time must be spent or otherwise boredom will invade our minds, and that time must be spent in such a way that worth our time. Fortunately, Surabaya has a lot of places in which we can spend our time enjoying this wonderful city by its attractions, services, or even the buildings. Coming from a small city like Banyuwangi with lesser amount of attractions, services, and beautiful buildings, I always amazed by how Surabaya is Surabaya. The people, the landmarks, the history, and the food. Hey, don’t get me started on the food.

Surabaya : The Food

My family loves food so much especially my father and my sister. Every time I go to Surabaya, it would be strange if I haven’t visited some of the culinary places in Surabaya. My father and my sister have a vast knowledge of awesome eating places, so usually during my stay in Surabaya, I go along with them. During my visit to Surabaya from time to time I have known some places you definitely needs to know if you haven’t already.

  • Depot Slamet
  • Soto Ambengan Pak Sadi
  • Sate Klopo Ondomohen Bu Asih
  • Pecel Bu Kus
  • Gado Gado Arjuno
  • Depot Mapan
  • Pempek Ny. Farina
  • Ayam Goreng Pemuda

Well I guess there’s the list, I hope you find this article useful and Thank You for visiting my page.

Warm Regards, Lucke Haryo

Polyglot and Stuff

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Tim Doner, teen who speaks 20 languages. Image taken from thumbnail of video about him on YouTube.

In case you didn’t know, Polyglot comes from ancient greek words of Poli and Glotis meaning Many Tongue. Polyglot is a person with an ability to speak more than 3 languages. Because of that impressive skill, I consider polyglot as a wonderful figure. And also because of that, I want to be one.

As far as I remember, I took a keen interest on becoming polyglot when I was on my third year of Junior High School. It was an assignment from Mrs. Lilik, my PPKn teacher. And the assignment was to show our talent in front of the class. During that time, I read a lot of Russian culture including its language and writing. So I had an idea to teach my classmates a bit of Russian and the cyrillic alphabet. To accomplish this, I studied Russian a bit from the internet, with mere understanding and comprehension of course. But turns out it was a group project, and I had to scrap it.

My obsession to be a polyglot resurfaces when I was on my first year on High School. That was when I watched videos of Tim Doner on YouTube. And after I was amazed by his brilliance, I did some googling about polyglot. Upon finishing my googling, I came with one conclusion, I have to be one. But then life happened, and I didn’t really do anything to accomplish it. Until…

A lot of things happened during my second year on high school, those experiences left a very deep mark on my mind regarding my choice for the future, I want to be someone who works on international matter. And that is why on my 18th birthday, I started learning my second international language.

I choose German because, well I love the history of Germany especially during the first and second world war. And I think German and English have many similarities so it won’t be too difficult for me. And also, there is a German course on Duolingo. I have been studying German from Duolingo for 2 months now and I can say it is going pretty well. It is very fun to study from Duolingo altough Duolingo doesn’t guarantee 100% mastery.

Currently I am very comfortable and my motivation is quite high to learn German. Sometimes I try to speak German to my friends as if they understand it, and of course I provide some translations after that. It is really amusing to know their reaction. At this learning rate, I really hope I can master spoken and written German as well. Wish me luck guys.

Herzliche Grüße, Lucke Haryo.